One of the joys of my work is to spend time with bright, capable people who are interested in becoming more effective in what they do. One of my clients attended a seminar on performance coaching—how to guide people to improve their performance. You don’t know her but you know people like her. In fact, you might even be her.

Mary is attractive, smart and very capable. Her rise to partner in her firm  has her interfacing with staff more frequently in the area of performance coaching. The problem is they don’t understand her. “Unapproachable” is the word others used to describe Mary, which is unfortunate because she’s actually very engaging.

“So, Mary,” I asked, “how do you coach your staff to increase their performance?” She answered, “I tell them what to do and then I expect them to do it.” The class had a nice chuckle, much to Mary’s surprise. I followed with, “And what are your results?” She half grinned and responded, “They’re morons.” The class roared. Not only did they find it amusing, they knew of her experience first hand.

As I regained order in the class, it occurred to me that Mary didn’t understand the impact of her approach with her staff. I explained to Mary and to the class that with some people, you need to be tactful; with others, like Mary, being direct is best. “Mary, who’s the moron here?” It was her turn to laugh.

This is the kind of teachable moment I look for to explain some fundamental principles to coaching others. In short, they go like this.

1. People are motivated by their goals, not yours. Even if you can persuade them to adopt your ideas, they will soon lose interest and pursue them half-heartedly, if they remember them at all.

2. People respond favorably when they have a coach who is an advocate for them and their goals. Coaches who demand their staffs’ compliance and performance may be obeyed, but only minimally.

3. Coaches who ask the right questions to guide people to discover what they should do are much more effective than coaches who shortcut the process by telling them what they should do.

It was time for Mary to redeem herself. I invited her to the front of the class to participate in a demonstration where she could apply these principles in a role play. Having been given a scenario, Mary was to coach a fellow participant who played the role of a young, newly promoted supervisor who was not being effective. His workers came to Mary, accusing him of being harsh, demanding and arrogant. With that information, she was to coach him to discover how he could be more effective.

“Mary, before you came here today, how would you have handled this situation?”

“You mean besides calling him a moron? (laughter) I probably would have told him to communicate with his workers better. You know, let them know what he expected and why.”  “That’s all?” I asked. “That’s all,” she responded.

I followed up, “Would it work?” With some prodding, she admitted that it probably wouldn’t be enough. With a little coaxing, she even gave an actual situation to confirm her ineffectiveness in coaching her new supervisor.

I suggested to Mary that we try a different approach. I coached her to think about the questions she could ask him to tap into his motives and goals. With Mary and the class working together, they came up with some questions she could ask the new supervisor that would to help him increase his ability to affect change. I recorded them on newsprint.

Determine the intent:

• Are you trying to be harsh, demanding and arrogant?
• If not, what are you doing that leads others to view you this way?
• If you don’t know, how could you find out? 

Explore the goal:

• After it’s all said and done, what do you want to have happen?
• What do you want your workers to experience from your interactions with them?
• How do you want your staff to view you?

Using the questions above, she engaged in the coaching roleplay a second time. The supervisor answered her questions and “discovered” that he could be more effective if he approached things more thoughtfully and tactfully. In the end, the class saw that when the supervisor was given the chance to reflect on his intent and goals instead of telling people what to do, he would be more likely to get the performance he wanted from his staff.

I asked Mary what she learned. “When you’re dealing with morons, ask questions.” More laughter. But she also learned how to guide people to tap into their intent and goals to increase their effectiveness. As much as Mary hated to admit it, she now had a more effective way of approaching a coaching situation. And I feel sure she would discover they weren’t morons after all.